Kingdom Hearts: The Heart of all Parodies
by Daemen Reisho
Summary: This is a complete parody of Kingdom Hearts. Expect political jokes and gags aplenty. Chapter 6 up! Sorry about the lack of updates I've been busy.I wonder how long I can keep using that excuse. I promise to update more often.Chapter 7 now online!
1. Chapter 1: Awakening

Kingdom Hearts:

The Heart of All Parodies

Summary: This is a complete parody of Kingdom Hearts. The main difference you will find here is that an original character, not Sora, is the protagonist of this story. This boy, Sioris, has been thrown into a world that shall bring true his deepest fantasies. And no, this isn't a pornographic parody like the ones you see on HBO at night. . . ...not that I would know anything about that... (P.S. this is also a slight parody of _What Dreams May Come_ if you haven't seen it, you should.) This is my first fanfic, no flaming please. Oh, but feel free to flame the living hell outa me for some political or religious joke you find offensive. I should at least give you that freedom.

Disclaimer: At the heart of all parodies lies one truth. A truth that could destroy that parody and remove it from existence. And that is-

Ansem: **Darkness!**

Ummm, no. What I was _going_ to say was: At the heart of all parodies lies one truth which if exploited can end its life as well as seriously screw up the author. And that is...**Major copyright infringement!** Therefore, I have come up with a solution to save my ass. This disclaimer stating that I do not own Kingdom Hearts, Disney or any of its affiliated characters, or Final Fantasy and any of its characters; and they are used without permission. I also do not own the song _Simple and Clean_ by Utada Hikaru. That is also used without permission. On a side note: I do this not for personal gain. Hey, if I _did_ own any of the aforementioned parties, franchises, ect. Do you _really_ think I would be wasting my time writing insane, random, insignificant-?

Sora: And half-assed! Don't forget half-assed!Sora disappears in a puff of smoke.

Aerith: We knew him well.

Leon: That's what happens when you insult the author.

That's right. You'd better remember that!

Leon: Yes sir...

Ahem...in short, don't sue suits!

**Chapter One: Awakening**

"Wake the fuck up!" Screamed Siors' father. "Its time for fucking school!"

"Hey! I'm up! I'm up!" Said the violet eyed boy of 16, rubbing his eyes.

Sioris got up reluctantly. He was tall and lanky. His hair dyed a dark violet color to match his eyes. "What time is it?"

"9:15. you're late, you little shit sucker!"

"Oh, fuck!" Said Sioris, dashing to his closet faster than Dick Chaney to the buffet table at Bush's inauguration party.

Later that day.

Sioris had reached the school campus at 9:45, wearing baggy red shorts, a read zip up shirt, a black jacket with white sleeves, and enough chains to start the next slave trade. Not his usual dress, however, he was in a hurry to get ready in time for school, but he was still late. He would've gotten there sooner, however, he had decided to take the shortcut past city hall where he ran into a mob of Gay Rights Activists who were about to be blasted into the next Great Depression by riot control guys armed with fire hoses. Having dyed his hair violet the night before ('cause let's face it, he's a freak) as well as the ridiculous outfit he was wearing, he was mistaken for one of the Gay Rights Activists and was hammered by 3,000 gallons of liquid pain.

"S-sorry I'm late..." Said Sioris walking into Trig class soaking wet and with a shattered pancreas.

"Well mister-" Suddenly a truck with a really loud (and convenient) horn passed by dangerously close to the school. "...Its so nice of you to join us. Mind telling us why you are tardy?"

"Short...gay...firemen...uhhgggg..." Sioris fell to the floor after delivering his incoherent explanation. He was uncurious, obviously. And as his peers were poking at his unconscious body, he was gently floating up to a place between life and death. There he began talking to himself like a ninny.

"I've been having weird thoughts lately...like...why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? And why doesn't Square-Enix sue the pants off of all these fan fiction writers? And what's up with Mormons? They believe in a religion that's based off of some guy who stuck his face in a hat and pulled bullshit out of his ass!"

Once within this world of eternal darkness-

Ansem: Did someone say darkness?

Ansem, go away!

Ahem, as I was saying: Once within this world of eternal darkness, one can only find peace tranquility and- Japanese pop music?

_You're giving me too many things_

"You talkin' to me, lady?" Asked Sioris in bewilderment.

_Lately you're all I need_

"I'm WHAT?"

_You smiled at me and said,_

"When was thi-What the fuck?" Was all Sioris could say as he looked about his new surroundings that had inexplicably materialized before him: A beautiful, white, sandy beach. "Wow, if this is death then I think I'm gonna like it here. Hey, where's all the beautiful beach babes?"

_Don't get me wrong love you_

_But does that mean I have to meet your father?_

"And can someone please turn that off- Holy mother of god!" Sioris looked at the ocean in terror as the shoreline began to rapidly recede. But then, something else caught his eye.

"Melvin?" Exclaimed Sioris at the sight of his white haired, freckle-faced, buck-toothed, bug-eyed-

"Hey! Don't make fun of my buddy!"

Oh, sorry. Anyway, Melvin was standing out in the middle of the ocean as the water level began to rise.

"Help me, I can't swim!" Melvin pleaded, the water level rising to his dorky looking red bow tie.

"Then how in the hell did you get out there in the first place?"

"I don't know, just help me!"

"Oh, Jesus." Sioris said, jumping into the water to rescue his friend.

_When we are older you will understand _

The waves had soon converged on both Sioris and Melvin, and both where now underwater, struggling against the current. Well, Sioris was, Melvin was flailing around like a fish out of water...erm...or like a cow underwater.

"Actually, cows are adept swimmers."

Shut up, Melvin, nobody asked you. And you're supposed to be drowning!

Sioris had lost sight of Melvin as soon as the waves came down, but he had not given up.

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" He sang in his head, trying to keep his spirits up and his body moving.

_What I meant when I said "No,_

_I don't think life is quite that simple"_

But all hope was then lost as the current began to strengthen and Sioris was blasted back to shore.

_When you walk away_

_You don't hear me say please _

_Oh baby don't go_

Sioris bobbed to the surface choking on salt water. Across the ocean, by the shore, Siors' eyes happened to come upon a hooker walking along the beach.

"Hey, Jenna!" Sioris called, running over to the hooker who was about his age and height, but with a stronger (but not buff, still feminine) build.

"Where are we? AND I'M NOT A HOOKER!"

"I don't know. But I think Melvin died."

_Simple and Clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight_

_It's hard to let it go_

"Oh, don't worry about that. This is all a dream so that Melvin is just a figment of you're imagination. And so am I!"

"Oh really...Come to think of it I'm feeling kind of...Hey, is that me in the air?"

_Hold me_

_Whatever lies beyond this morning_

_Is a little later on_

_Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all_

_Nothing's like before_

Indeed it was Sioris falling down head first towards the water. But this did not make sense to Sioris' tiny brain. Thus he 'sploded out of confusion. Luckily, there are two Siorses in this dream so the story continues.

"I hate heights!"

Don't worry; you'll hit the ground soon. Have a nice trip!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

_Hold me _

_Whatever lies beyond this morning_

_Is a little later on_

_Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all_

_Nothing's like before_

"Holy shit!" Sioris screamed as he hit the ground harder than the stock market last week.

"OOoooo! Pretty birdies!" Splat! One of the doves flying out of the ground took a shit on Sioris' shoulder. "Shit!"

Sioris then notices the platform that he is on, depicting Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

"Note to self: Never play Kingdom Hearts the night before you die." Said Sioris, suddenly recognizing the view.

Oh, do shut up. You're not dead.

"WTF? A disembodied voice?"

END OF CHAPTER

So, what did you think? Kind of a cliffhanger there huh? Next chapter: Sioris learns how to fight and takes down a Darkside...well sort of. Please Read and Review or else I'm not updating. I wanna know if you guys like it okay?


	2. Chapter 2: Fighting the Darkness 101

Author's notes:

To King Sephiroth: A biiig hug Thanks for reviewing. So you found it interesting, huh? Since you are my first reviewer, I dedicate this chapter to you.

To Stickykeys: Thanks for calling it whitty. I'm glad you liked it.

Other notes: I realize Chapter One had quite a few errors. I apologize for that and promise a significant reduction in errors.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story aside from Sioris, Melvin, and Jenna. All unowned parties, franchises, ect. Are once again used without permission.

**Chapter 2: Fighting the Darkness 101**

Ahem...Sioris found himself-

Coming soon to a theatre near you:

WTF? Movie previews? This must be Disney's doing. DAMN YOU TO HELL!

He killed his mother...

"He killed my mother..."

Last time...he was just a plot tool...but now, this time, its personal.

"No! Please don't kill me!" Screamed a hunter being charged by a buck.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the woods...

Bambi 2: Bambi's Revenge

"I'll stomp anyone who gets in my way...even you, Thumper."

Fall 2005

Okay...that's one movie I'll be sure to skip. Now on to the story:

Sioris found-

Coming soon to own on video and Disney DVD:

Damn it!

There really wasn't any reason for another sequel...

"Why in all the hells did they make another damn sequel?"

Now, Simba's back for no other reason then to put more of your hard earned cash into our pockets.

The Lion King 3: For No Apparent Reason.

Own it Tuesday on video and Disney DVD.

Umm okay. Are we done with the previews already?

And now your feature presentation:

Finally!-I mean...Ahem...

Sioris found himself bewildered and amazed.

"I'm bewildered and amazed." He said.

_Well, it seems you know what's going on here, so, I think we can skip the chit-chat and get strait to the point. Now, if you could just move a little closer to the middle of the painting that would be most helpful._

_I seem to be living out the story of Kingdom Hearts in the afterlife. _Sioris thought to himself.

_Brilliant deduction Holmes!_

"Shut the hell up with your sarcasti..."Sioris began." Now wait just one cotton pickin'...oh never mind." Sioris looked around at the stained glass depicting Snow White below his feet. And the endless darkness that stretched out before him. "Oh well, as long as I don't have to be in Chain of Memories..." He said, finally making up his mind to walk to the center of the pedestal.

There was an earthquake, or some kind of vibration, when he stood at the center. Then, three smaller pedestals rose from the large one that Sioris is standing on. Each one had a weapon hovering silently above it. A sword, a shield, and a scepter.

_Power sleeps within you...If you give it form...Well...You'll have power._

"Profound." Sioris said facetiously.

_Choose well._

"I think I'll choose the sword."

_The sword? Sioris, I expected more from you! Is that all you know how to do is fight?_

"Fine, I won't choose the sword. Well then, how about the shield?"

_The shield is for woosies. Choose something else._

"Whatever. I thought this was my choice. I'll take the god damn scepter,"

Suddenly, a completely different voice was heard all over the cosmos.

_SIORIIIIIIIS!_

"My mom? WTF?"

_Sioris, put that accursed thing down! Witchcraft is a sin and you know it!_

"Oh, good dear lord..."

_And don't use the lord's name in vain!_

"Sorry..." He said stepping down from the pedestal. "You got anything else, Mysterious Disembodied Voice?"

_Hmmm...Let me see...Oh. I have a copy of the book "My Life" by former president Bill Clinton. Look, it's even autographed!_

"And what am I supposed to do with that?"

_Short of effectively cheating on your wife with your secretary without her finding out, I have no idea._

_SIORIIIIIS! DON'T YO DARE READ THAT DAMN BOOK! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT DEMOCRATS- rant, rave, ect._

Well, that did it. The sound of Sioris' loud, nagging mother's voice had caused the stained glass painting below Sioris to crack.

"Oh, shit."

_WHAT DID YOU SAY? SIORIIIIIS!_

"Listen, just gimmie the book, quick!"

Sioris had received to book moments before the glass gave way. He fell seemingly for thousands of feet, though he didn't fall any distance at all for it was all in his head. Speaking of Sioris' head, he landed on it, hard.

"Oww! Shit!"

Sioris got up and looked around. Another pedestal, with a stained glass painting depicting Sleeping Beauty.

_You've gained the ability to fight. _

"With a book?"

_You chose it. No complaining._

"But nobody would let me choose anything else!"

_Excuses, excuses. Look, there's a-_

"Heartless! Got it! Die!" Sioris smacked the Shadow with the book, ruining its collector's value.

"Ow! That hurt, bitch!" Said the shadow, retaliating with a claw to Siors' gut.

"Ooo..." Sioris picked caught his breath. "You little mother fucker." With that, Sioris kicked the shadow off the pedestal.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The little heartless screamed to his death.

"Well...He definitely was knocked off his _high_ horse." Sioris

_Heh-heh. Good one!_

"I hope that was a girl Heartless 'cause I think it's _fallen _for me." Sioris joked…sigh…again.

_Okay, Sioris, that's enough._

"Well, we all know he was only setting himself up for the _fall_."

_It's not funny anymore._

"I bet-"

_Look out behind you!_

"Humph. I don't know who you think I am but I'm not _falling _for that one." Sioris boasted. "Get it, falling? BWAHAHAAHA! It's a joke, see? Hey, don't you-"Suddenly, Sioris was drop kicked from behind by another shadow and sent flying over the edge.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Sioris panicked while tumbling down further into darkness.

_Idiot…_

And upon landing on his head once again, "ouch", he discovered he was once again on another pedestal, this one depicting three other Princesses of Heart. He had also noticed a door in the middle of the stained glass. He touched it; his hand went strait through it. It was also transparent. Then out of nowhere, a crate appeared.

_You can push large crates._

"Just make the door solid!"

_Fine, have it your way._

"Thank you." Sioris said, spitefully. Suddenly the door became solid as he had asked.

_Go ahead, open it._

Sioris did as the Disembodied Voice had said. He reached for the handle and pulled the door towards himself slowly. Suddenly, the doors began to open by themselves, then a flash of light and…Elephants? Large elephants charging at Sioris from the other side of the door.

"AHHHHHHH!" Sioris slammed the door shut, frantically.

_BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!_

The Disembodied Voice seemed to take pleasure in this.

"St…stupid…cartoon gags." Sioris said, trying to calm himself down.

_Okay, okay. For real this time. Open the door._

"HMPH. Fine." Sioris pulled the door open, once again. Another flash of light, Sioris whited out.

Sioris awoke in a crowded open hall. There were hundreds of people walking in and out of booths. But they were all unimportant. Not just because no matter whom they cast their votes for, the winner will take all and the guy they voted for will fade into obscurity, but because they were all in black in white and only Sioris and three men in tuxedos were in color.

_Hold on, the door won't open just yet. Now answer the questions that these three gentlemen have for you._

Sioris walked up to the first man. Immediately, the man asked him a question:

"What are you most afraid of?

"Terrorists? The effect that sending American jobs out to other countries will have on the economy? John Kerry?" The first man asked.

"I'd have to say the second one." Sioris answered. The man only gave him a disgusted look. "Ookay…" With that, Sioris went to the second man.

"What do you want out of life?

"To see balance restored to the Senate? To see Sadam Hussein executed? To prosper under the soon-to-be Bush Dynasty?" Asked the second man.

"I'd like to see balance restored to the senate. Too many Right-Wing nuts, ya know?" Sioris answered. The man looked at Sioris angrily. So Sioris went over to the third man.

"What is most important to you?

"Turning every nation to democracy? True freedom of choice for all? The economy?" Was the third man's question.

"Hmmm. True freedom of choice for all!" Sioris answered. The man merely shook his head. "What?"

_You wish for the U.S Senate to have balance between right and left._

_The most important thing to you is true freedom of choice over life._

"Wait, I never said THAT"

_Shut up, kid, I'm talking here._

_Ahem, you are afraid of Conservative plans for the economy which are so obviously right and you are a wrong Left-Wing liberal for not following it blindly._

_Is this okay?_

"Wait, what?"

_I'll take that as a yes._

"Wait, hold the god damn phone!"

_I'm sorry, but you're rights to vote have been put into question. We feel as though you are not fit to have any part in deciding the future of our country. Please leave._

"Now what the hell did that have to do with anything? And-Hey! What? I can't vote 'cause I'm liberal? You right-wing lawyer bastards! Hey, are you listening? Hey…" But before Sioris could finish his rebuttal, he whited out again.

_Hey kid, don't sweat It, you can't vote. You're only sixteen anyways. So don't worry about it…even if you are a stupid pro-choice liberal bastard._

Sioris awoke on yet another pedestal tower thing. This one had yet another stained glass painting.

"You guys need some decorating ideas. These designs are starting to get repetitive." Sioris complained.

_Just shut up and fight._

Sioris stared at the stained glass painting, watching it grow dark. Shadows arose from the floor, ready to attack.

"Oh crud…What the hell am I supposed to do with a fricken book?" Sioris complained. "Think…think…think… … …"

All the shadows jumped at him in unison. Sioris ducked under their claws. "Shit!"

Suddenly and inexplicably, Merlin appeared. (Yes, the one from The Sword in the Stone.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Proclaimed Merlin.

"Kickass!" Sioris exclaimed.

"Presto!" Merlin said.

"Uhhh…'presto'? I retract my former statement…that's gay." Sioris said.

Suddenly, a maelstrom of lightning rained from the sky, smiting the shadows where they stand.

"Okay, that _is_ kickass."

"Well, that takes care of that." Merlin said, advancing towards Sioris.

"Dude, you have kickass magic! How do you do that shit?" Sioris exclaimed in all its vulgarity.

"Ummm…thanks…I think…"Merlin said. "As for how I did it…I am Merlin, a sorcerer and friend of King Arthur."

"Merlin? You serious?"

"Yes, yes I am Merlin the sorcerer."

"Sweet!" Exclaimed Sioris.

"Yes, I suppose it is…sweet. I'd like to show you more of the wonders of magic and even how to use it, but I'm afraid we must be going." The old wizard said.

"You're coming with me? Sweet! You'd be much better as a party member than a talking duck with anger management problems."

Merlin blinked, wondering where he came up with such a random and preposterous idea. Unbeknownst to him, however, is that Sioris already knows what is to happen in this story…or so he thinks.

"Way to give it away, man." Sioris said, somehow addressing me, the narrator.

Oh, bother…Anyways, back to Sioris and Merlin…

"Well now, we should be going. Presto!" At a wave of Merlin's wand an ascending bridge of stained glass was summoned.

"Once again, I must say, KICKASS!" Sioris exclaimed. "But why do you ruin your potential coolness by saying 'pesto' all the time? Presto is sort of…ummm…"

"Gay, right?" Merlin asked.

"Yeah." Sioris replied. "So what gives?"

"Disney won't let me say 'I call upon the dark forces of Heaven, Hell, and all natural forces abound! Deal my divine judgment and do my biddings!' The bastards."

"Oh…"

"Well, let's be going then." But before Merlin could make a full step, a large, black tentacle reached up from below and grabbed Merlin by the leg, pulling him off the platform. Luckily, He caught the edge of the pedestal, holding on for dear life as the tentacle continues to pull at him.

"I-I-Its Disney!" Exclaimed Merlin, still holding on to the ledge. "Their mad at me for what I said about them. The tentacle tugged hard. "Ahhh!" The wizard screamed, but still he held on.

"Merlin!" Sioris reached for Merlin, but it was too late.

"Run, you fool." Were Merlin's last words before being pulled into the dark abyss.

"MEEEEEERRRRLIIIIIIIINNNN!"

It was too late, he was gone.

"Hey…that wasn't some kind of cheap Lord of the Rings reference, was it?"

Ummm…no, of course not. Heh-heh.

"Okay, just checking!"

Sioris, saddened by the death of his new friend, walked reluctantly up the glass stairway, to (yawn) yet another platform with a stained glass painting. A ray of light beamed down to the middle of the platform. And not even Sioris is dumb enough to go strait into the light. ANYWONE should be aware that that is suicide.

_The closer you get to the light…the darker your shadow becomes._

Guess not. Yup, Sioris walked strait into the light. Inexplicably, his shadow rose from the floor, coming to life. It grew and grew until it became a monstrous darkside heartless.

"Holy shit! I forgot about this part!"

_But don't be afraid…you hold the mightiest weapon of all…_

"But it won't save you money on car insurance." Said the Darkside.

"Huh?" Said Sioris, surprised that the Darkside could talk.

"Why haven't you called Geico?" Asked the Darkside in an angry, booming voice.

"Because Allstate is better." Sioris answered.

"RAAAAAAAA!" Now he's pissed.

"Holy shit!" The Darkside's fist went for Sioris, but he dodged it easily.

"God, dammit…what am I gonna do?" With that, Sioris desperately flung the book at Darkside's hand. Doing nothing, or so Sioris thought…

"AHHHHH! Paper cut!" The Darkside screamed in pain, holding his right hand. "Mooooommmyyyy! Kiss it and make it better!" It screamed running off the platform into darkness.

Sioris' eyes were as wide as saucers after that display. "W…T…F…?"

Suddenly, darkness began to cover Sioris.

_But don't be afraid…_

"I'm not. I know that I'm gonna wake up right after this black stuff swallows me up." Sioris said, sinking into darkness.

_Fine, whatever._

Sioris blacked out.

Author's notes: Well, that's the end of chapter 2. Any good? Next chapter is a spin off of the events at Destiny Islands. Stay tuned for plenty of surprises. Please read and review. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3: Attack of the Brainless pt1

**Chapter 3: Attack of the Brainless Part 1**

Sioris awoke. He tried to look around, but everything was blurry, his vision having not fully corrected itself. But seconds later the face of a dear friend came into focus.

"Mnnn…"Sioris groaned. "J-Jenna…?"

"'Bout time you finally woke up," said Jenna, standing over Sioris.

He was lying in a hospital bed, strapped to an I.V. He noticed ten or eleven tiny pricks on his wrist. _The damn nurse must be nearsighted._ He thought. Jenna had been watching over him for hours. Melvin was there, too. He had arrived an hour ago.

"You've been out for hours," said Melvin, sitting on a chair in a corner of the room, "You okay?"

"I…had a dream…" Sioris began. "I…thought I was dead…I was swallowed by darkness…and I couldn't find the light. And you were in it and you too, Melvin."

Silence. Everyone in the room just blinked, including the nurse who was checking the I.V.

"Hey, I got and idea!" Said Melvin, breaking the silence. "Let's watch T.V.!" Melvin flicked on the Television/ demon mind control box / reason why the Western Civilization is crumbling into small bits like what happens when someone steps on piece of original Captain Crunch cereal.

**A chemical so dangerous…a few drops could kill you're whole family.**

"Huh?" Said Jenna, becoming increasingly interested in what was on the evil light and sound box.

**A chemical so deadly…there's nothing you can do once you come in contact with it.**

"Oooo sounds interesting!" Melvin said.

**And the worst part is…it might be in your homes right now, and you may not even know it.**

"Oh my god!" Jenna screamed.

**What is this deadly, undetectable chemical and how can you protect yourself and others from it? **

"Yes? Tell us!" Commanded Melvin, now going into total spaz mode.

**Watch CBS news tonight at 10:00**.

"Oh good dear lord!" Sioris slapped his forehead.

"Oh no!" Melvin panicked. "What if I have it right now? What if one of you have it and you give it to me? Oh God, we're all gonna die!" Melvin threw his arms around Jenna's waist in total spaz mode. "WE HAVE TO WATCH THAT REPORT!" He commanded.

"Umm, Melvin?" Jenna asked.

"Yes?"

"You're violating my private space."

"Oh, sorry." Melvin let go of Jenna and collapsed on the floor.

"Relax." Sioris was trying hard to calm his friend down. "They just say that shit to boost the ratings. I bet it's not that bad. Don't worry about it."

"Really, you think so?" Melvin asked, still rather spastic.

"Trust me, you'll be fine."

"Hey, let's watch the nine o' clock news!" Jenna suggested.

"Fox?" Sioris complained. "I have no interest in watching all that right-wing propaganda bull they spew out every night!"

"Oh, don't be so narrow minded." Jenna scolded. "Besides, there's nothing else on. Why don't they have cable on these TVs anymore?"

"Budget cut." Sioris answered.

Jenna had changed the channel to the local Fox station just in time for a segment called "The Point".

**Many say that the Bush administration is not doing its job properly, that they have yet to do much for the problems facing Americans. This is, however, not true. As President Bush has stated "I think about it, everyday." So in truth, Bush is just thinking about it right now and I'm sure he'll get back to us.**

**Furthermore, the Democrats, the left-wing liberal bastard party, have not been helping in the effort. "Their philosophy is that of the stop sign!" as President Bush has stated many times about the Democrat's effort to halt the movement of the Republican Party. And that's the point. Log on to and tell me what you think.**

"That would be a good argument...," Sioris said to his companions, "If it weren't for the fact that the Democrats aren't even in power! Dumbasses!"

**And now for out top story:**

**Two homosexual, and vertically challenged, firemen were arrested and escorted out of a local fire station for the rape and attempted murder of a sixteen year old boy. Police tracked them down after a phone call by the boy's teacher. The boy had come in late for class and was badly bruised and soaking wet. His last words "Sort…gay…Firemen…" were the clues that had helped police track them down.**

"**I ain't never heard of this kid! I'm innocent, INNOCENT!"**

**When asked how they were able to find these alleged rapists/murderers, the Chief of Police responded "When it comes to the queer guy, we always have an eye."**

The trio's eyes were wide open. Not a word was exchanged between them.

"Wha-what…the…fuck…" Were all the words Sioris could muster.

Three hours later…

"What's on now?" Jenna asked.

"Phone sex ad, Girls Gone Wild ad, Televangelist, porno on Showtime, Will and Grace, Televangelists Gone Wild…WTF?" Sioris said, flipping channels.

"Well, maybe we should get going." Jenna said walking out the door with Melvin. "We'll be by in the morning."

"See ya!" Melvin said waving goodbye as he and Jenna left.

Sioris sighed. There was nothing else to do but go to sleep. So he drifted off into deep slumber…there, he had a dream:

It was a bright and sunny day at Disney Castle. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and Michael Eisner was making millions while his employees went hungry for the third week in a row. Yes, everything was as it should be…or was it? DUN DUN DUN!

It was Donald Duck who first noticed the peril. King Mickey had gone missing! DUN DUN DUN!

"Where in the hell is that coming from?" Asked Donald to himself.

After reading the note The King had left, Donald hurried off to find the head of the royal nights, Goofy uhhh…uhhh…well, I don't know what he is.

Donald finally found Goofy lazily sleeping in the garden.

"Goofy, wake up! We've got a problem!" Demanded Donald.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Was the response he was given.

"WAKE THE FUCK UP!" Donald commanded, raising his hand to he sky. A lightning bolt dropped from above and struck Goofy.

"Why greetings, Donald. How are you fairing this sunny day?" Goofy asked.

"Not so good, Goofy. The King has gone missing!" Donald answered. "Wait a minute. WHAT?"

"By King you mean our Liege? Good god, this _is_ a travesty. What without our ruler the whole Monarchy could soon fall. We must make haste!" With that Goofy grabbed Donald by the arm and rushed inside the castle.

"What the-Goofy?"

"Hurry, before the United States tries to 'help' us by imposing their wills upon our government, thinking that it is actually welcome!" But before Goofy had made it into the castle, he ran into a pillar in the garden with a loud SMACK and hit the ground with a thud.

"Uhhh…Goofy? Are you okay?" Asked a concerned Donald.

"Well, good mornin' Donald," Goofy greeted, "whatcha up to this mornin', A-yuk?"

"G-Goofy?"

It seemed Goofy had returned to normal…But then, Sioris woke up.

When Sioris woke up, he looked around the room. He noticed the nurse changing the I.V. "Hey, nurse! NURSE! Yeah, you! Go easy with the morphine this time! I'm having the weirdest hallucinations about talking duck sorcerers and bipedal dogs!"

"Shut up and go back to sleep!" said the nurse.

Suddenly, a knock at the door.

"Hello? Sioris?" It was Jenna's voice.

"Go ahead and come in." said Sioris.

"Visitation is at three. Go away!" commanded the bitchy nurse.

"Damn, what is this, prison?" Sioris asked.

Suddenly and inexplicably, the nurse died of a heart attack.

"The bitch appears to be dead," Sioris observed, "You can come in now."

Melvin and Jenna walked into the hospital room.

"Hi. Feeling any better?" asked Jenna cheerfully.

"Good enough to blow this Popsicle stand." Sioris said. "My bill must already be enormous. And lucky for me, healthcare's been terminated. Thank you Neo Conservative bullshit Movement!" He said sarcastically.

"We...should leave here," Melvin said softly.

"What?" asked Sioris and Jenna simultaneously.

To Be Continued...

DUN DUN DUN!

A/N: Cliffhanger'd! Well, that's chapter three. Thanks to all that have reviewed so far…all two of you. Please read and review. The first then get a hug!


	4. Chapter 4: Attack of the Brainless pt2

Daemen Reisho: Hya! Thanks for dropping by to read chapter four of this epic retelling!

Sephiroth: You mean rip-off!

Daemen Reisho: Be quiet, peon!

Sephiroth: I am no peon! I am The Great Sephiroth! You cannot even hold a candle to me!

Daemen Reisho: Oh, really?

Sephiroth: Yes, really!

Daemen Reisho: You sure you can withstand my mighty powers?

Sephiroth: Hit me with your best shot!

Daemen Reisho: Don't tell me I didn't warn you…

Suddenly, Sephiroth's oh-so-cool black cape disappears and a tank top and short-shorts appear in its place.

Sephiroth: What? What is thi- MACHO MACHO MAN! I want to be a macho man!...Please! I surrender! I surrend- MACHO MACHO MAN! I want to be a macho man!

Daemen Reisho: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Don't you see? I'm the author of this fanfiction and you're just a character in it who just happens to be owned by someone else…Which reminds me…

Disclaimer: Aside from all original characters, none of the various properties in this fanfic are owned by me and belong to their respective copyright holders.

**Chapter 4: Attack of the Brainless Part 2**

"I mean, other worlds can't be as bad as the government tries to make us believe," Melvin said, eyes closed.

"You crazy, man!" Sioris detested.

"Yeah," Jenna began, "No other country in the world gives us this much false feelings of actual freedom! It's a living hellhole out in all the other countries!"

"That's just the thing!" Melvin said, confounding Jenna, "How do we know unless we actually go?"

"Well…" Sioris began, but faltered.

"We'll soon have to pay for our government's mistakes. This world holds nothing more for us. So let's go…" Melvin trailed off, now in deep silence.

"You thinking those suicidal thoughts again?" Asked Sioris, "Do I have to go through you're house and hide all the knives like last time?"

"And why do you keep referring to our country as a 'world'?" Jenna asked.

"Arrhg…you're missing the point!"

"I know what you mean, but still…" Sioris said, "Do you know how much money it would cost to go to other worlds-erm…countries?"

"Besides, even if you did reach another world, what would you do there?" Jenna asked.

"I don't know," said Melvin, "But to get to another world, I'll go out and build a raft with the skill of Tom Hanks and set sail in hope of randomly finding land somewhere out there."

"…"

"…well, that was random…" Sioris said.

"…"

"…"

Suddenly, Jenna blurted out, "Can I be Wilson?"

"?"

"What the…fuck?"

Moments later…

Sioris, now feeling well enough to walk, wanders around in the New York City alleyways after dark. Bad idea.

"Stupid Jenna…" Sioris mumbled, "Sending me out to collect empty glass bottles to trade in for cash. Does she really think that that will pay for our tickets out of here? I'd rather pay my medical bills with it."

Flashback!

_"Okay, Sioris, in order to pay for our trip we'll need some cash. That's why I want you to go collect bottles for me. I need four green bottles, a discarded liquor bottle, and four soda bottles. Bring everything back here. Just ask if you need help!"_

_"You do realize that glass bottles will get us about a nickel a piece, don't you? And why so I have to find a specific number and type of bottles? It's a bit ludicrous, don't you think?"_

_"Because in RPG's they always have some kind of ridiculous and mundane 'go-fetch' quest."_

_"Oh…So where can I find a liquor bottle since I'm too young to go near a liquor store?"_

_"I don't know, go figure it out!"_

_"But you said if I needed-"_

_"I know what I said, just go!"  
_

End Flashback.

Sioris had easily found some soda bottles. He couldn't find but two green ones, however, so he found two other bottles and painted them green. He had found a liquor bottle quite easily as well, though it wasn't discarded. He wrestled it from a hobo and poured out the liquor before pocketing it in his seemingly bottomless baggy, red shorts.

Along the way home, he ran into a cute, brunette wearing a yellow dress skipping rope in the alley.

"Umm, little girl," Sioris began, "It isn't safe to be playing in the alley after dark."

The little girl stopped skipping rope and turned to Sioris. "What's it to ya, bub?"

"Well, I was just-"

"HYYYYAAAA!" The little girl jumped up and smacked Sioris square in the nose with her jump rope handle.

'YAAAARRG!" Sioris screamed, "What the- are you crazy? I think you broke my nose!"

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Screamed the little girl, running after him as he flees, Sioris clutching his bleeding nose.

It seemed he had outrun the crazy little girl. But found himself face to face with a Jamaican man.

"Hey, what's happening, mon?" He asked, in that islander accent.

"Nothing much," Sioris answered, "Just running from a psychotic, prepubescent killer."

A confused look spread across the Jamaican's face.

"You crazy, ya?"

"I think I may be…"

"Well, see ya!"

"See ya…I guess…" Sioris said reluctantly, and walked off."

Walking along through another alley on his way back to the hospital, Sioris glanced at the graffiti on the walls. He and Jenna had done it. And got arrested for it, too.

Pictures of evil rulers of industrialized worlds ruining people's lives, walking talking animals, and other assortments of political statements and weird drawings of imaginary creatures and lands. But amidst all that was a drawing, done in charcoal by him and Jenna at the age of five, had caught his eye.

It was a simple drawing of each other's heads. The kind a child would do. But it held a special importance to our violet eyed hero.

He knelt down, took out a can of spray paint and gently shook it. Then, sprayed on a picture of him giving Jenna a good smack in the head for making him do this.

"This world has been connected…" said a mysterious voice from behind the shadows…or more like behind the dumpster.

"Who's there?"

"Tied to the global economy…history soon to be repeated."

"What? Who are you? Wait! Are you a cop? O-officer…I-it's not what it looks like, swear!"

"You have so very much to learn. You understand so little."

"What the hell? You calling me stupid? You wanna test that theory?" Sioris clenched his fist.

"A meaningless effort. One, who knows nothing, can understand nothing."

"Are you trying to sell me drugs?"

"…Yes…"

"Go away!"

And with that, he disappeared.

"Weird…"

"Hey you!"

_Oh great…_ Sioris thought, _another voice from out of nowhere…_

"You feelin' lucky to day?"

"No Tidus, I do not want to play Yu-Gi-Oh cards with you…EVER!"

"Aww…damn!" The brown headed boy said. "Well, there's still one other matter to deal with." Suddenly, the little psychotic killer girl and the Jamaican man jumped out from behind Tidus.

"Hey, mon, nice clothes you got, ya?" said the Jamaican man, readying his ball to throw at Sioris.

"Hey, what's going on? Why are you-…oh." Sioris looked at his clothes. Bright red. Then he glanced at the trio's clothes. They had all changed into blue jumpsuits. "Uh-oh…"

"Let's get him!" Tidus yelled. And they proceeded to pummel him to a pulp.

He was out cold…their might have been people around, but Sioris couldn't tell. All there was, was a deep burning question of why. Why were members of the Crypts fighting with basketballs, jump ropes, and wooden poles? And then, he had another dream:

_Dear Donald,_

_Sorry to leave without saying anything but I had to go get "supplies" for Minnie's well, you know. And you think Daisy's bad on her's. Anyways, along the way I noticed that the stars we're blinking out. So I've left for (location removed) to solve this problem and because Disney says I can only be in this game for about 30 seconds._

_Now there's someone with a "key"-the key to our survival. His name is (name removed) I want you find him and stick with him, got it?_

_P.S. Could you get Minnie's "Supplies" for me? Thanks pal._

_Signed: (Name removed)_

Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, and Goofy were all standing around the table in the royal library as Donald read the note.

"Oh dear, what could this mean?" asked Daisy, pacing back and fourth.

"I have now idea." Said Donald, "Looks like the CIA got to this letter first."

"I guess we'll just have to trust The King." Minnie said. Her blind optimism belies the fact that she's probably about to have a panic attack over this. But she shouldn't, as she should know that Disney would never let Square Soft do anything to harm Mickey.

"Doncha think that uhh…we need to go find Name Removed, Donald?" asked Goofy. Donald slapped his forehead.

"Yeah, uhh…let's go I guess…" Donald said reluctantly.

And so they headed off to find the Key Bearer. Oh, and Jiminy Cricket was there, too. But who cares?

End of Chapter.

I'm sorry to say that there will be an Attack of the Brainless Part 3. I'm sorry to break up these events into multipart chapters that could all be one chapter, but it's the only way I can keep track of it all. (My life's kinda busy right now.) But don't worry, part 3 will be the last Attack of the Brainless chapter and you'll finally know why I named it that. So see you 'till then. Oh, and please read and review. Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5: Attack of the Brainless pt3

Yo! Welcome to part three of…Attack of the Brainless! Here you'll see terrific action, horrifying monsters, and death defying stunts that will challenge your suspension of disbelief. Oh yes, and counter-terrorists, explosives, and a confused beleaguered man! OH MY! And now for the legal stuff:

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following properties: Kingdom Hearts and all Disney and Square Soft properties, or the game Counter-Strike. I do, however, own the original characters in this story. I also do not own Woody Allen.

**Chapter 5: Attack of the Brainless Pt. 3**

Sioris awoke, once again in the hospital. Jenna and Melvin weren't there this time. It was cold. Sioris had awful bruises and lacerations all over his body. It hurt to move even an inch.

Sioris tried to shake off the pain by focusing on standing and walking, one foot first and then the other. Standing up wasn't so hard. It seemed as though he was doing just fine. He was about to take a step forward when the ground began to shake violently, throwing Sioris down on his knees, then the lights went out.

"Whoa!" He said on his way down. "And earthquake?"

An alarm sounded and a voice came over the intercom.

"Hello everyone, just informing you about tomorrow's lunch menu," said the man over the intercom. "Tomorrow we'll be having liver and onions. That is all."

_Aww man! _Sioris thought, _I HATE liver and onions!_

"Oh yeah, and one more thing: WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! This is not a drill! Terrorists have bombed the east wing. Please evacuate immediately! I repeat: This is not a drill!"

"Holy shit, I gotta get out of here!" Sioris quickly picked himself off the floor and dashed out of his room towards the emergency exit.

Along the way he found a nifty little machine gun conveniently placed outside his room.

He didn't make it far before running into the terrorists, however.

"You must be the terrorists!" Sioris exclaimed.

"And you must be the counter-terrorist!" said one of the terrorists.

Sioris quickly dodged their bullets using a cheat code and using another cheat code producing an RPG and launched it at the terrorists. It hit one square in the nuts then dropped harmlessly to the floor. (RPG as in Role Playing Game.)

"Oh-Me tender vittles…" cried the man hit by the RPG. "I'm gonna…gonna kill you!"

"I'm screwed!" Sioris ran for his life down the corridor, but it wasn't long before the terrorists caught up.

"We got you now!"

But just before they could fire, Sioris used an invincibility cheat rendering him totally unaffected by the enemy's shots. He then proceeded to dish out his own brand of pain with his gun, killing one of the terrorists.

"Hey!" said the remaining terrorist, "I'm reporting you! You cheated!"

SIORIS IS BANNED FROM THE SERVER

"Damn!" Sioris looked around the corridor leading to the destroyed east wing. Black as the night sky it was, you could hear the muffled cries of those seriously injured or trapped beneath the rubble. Not a pretty sight to say the least. Melvin was standing there, amidst the smoke and ruble and the blood curdling cries of the dying and helpless.

"Melvin!" Sioris called. He did not answer. "Melvin!" He called again, running to his friend's side.

"This…this is it…" Melvin mumbled. "I wonder, what else is out there…what other worlds are out there that I'll never get to see."

"Don't talk like that!" Sioris commanded, "We'll get out of this, and Jenna too!"

"Jenna was in this wing when it happened!"

It was too much for Sioris. She was gone, just like that. He dropped to the floor. Tears began to well up in his eyes. If he held it in any longer, he probably would explode. He slammed his fist hard on what was once gray tile. He let out a cry; a scream; a howl for the loss of the one he secretly loved, and to whom he never said those three words: "I love you."

"This is all really corny, you know."

Shut up, Sioris, you're supposed to be mourning.

Silence, there was still sounds of panic and agony all around, but Sioris didn't hear a word of it. He was lost in his own thoughts. He looked up at Melvin. Melvin, his goofy disposition belying a strong will and an unchallengeable intellect, and mind constantly questioning the world around him.

"But now…we will be able to follow her where she has gone, to the world beyond; to death." Melvin said in all seriousness. "And who knows, maybe there are other worlds in the afterlife. There's nothing holding us back. I'm not afraid of the darkness!"

Sioris stood up and wiped his eyes. He was amazed at his friend's words.

"What are you saying?" Asked Sioris, bewildered. "I'm sure Jenna wouldn't-"

"Look out!" Screamed a man. They were dropping another bomb. Sioris had nearly half a second to be shocked as the explosive made its deadly decent. But then it stopped, in mid explosion; not even touching the ground. It just froze. In fact every thing was freeze-framed. The panicking people, the bomb itself, even those half caught in the bomb's mid-explosion. As well as Melvin, whose silhouette was barely visible behind the veil of fire that consumed him.

"Melvin!" Sioris called. But it was in vain, for he could not hear him in his state of suspended animation; his last split second as a living, thinking thing in any palpable form. Besides, he was doomed anyway. There was nothing Sioris could do.

"What does 'palpable' mean?"

It means- Oh never mind that! Get back to your anguish!

"What is this?" he cried out, "I anyone here with me!"

"Don't cry." Came a voice seemingly from nowhere.

"Who's there!" Sioris spun around to face this mysterious boyish voice, "Where'd you come from?"

He was dark skinned, possibly Arabic. His he wore a lavish violet robe with many intricate designs, the hood pulled over his face so one could only make out his nose and mouth. He couldn't be older than twelve, Sioris thought.

"Don't cry," He said again, his monotone voice contrasting beautifully to his child's voice, "It begins."

"Wait a minute!" Sioris said, "Aren't you from Final Fantasy X?"

"Umm…yes."

"But if you're here, then what's happening in Final Fantasy X?"

**In Zanarkand…**

Sin has made its attack on the glorious machina city. There is mass chaos and panic everywhere. And in the midst of it all is one incredibly stupid young hero named Tidus holding some sort of large key in his hand, The Keyblade.

Tidus swings the keyblade. "Cool!"

**Back to our hero…**

"Oh…my…god…" Said Sioris, "Please no…"

"C'mon! We have to right this wrong." said the boy.

With that, they both vanished, leaving the scene of their meeting to its fate. In one violent explosion, it became nothing but rubble.

**Meanwhile, in Washington D.C.,**

"Mr. President, Sir," said the Secretary of Defense, "We have confirmation."

"Huh? Confirmation of what?" Asked the President angry that someone would divert his attention away from his gameboy and Nintendo's latest installment (read: rehash) of its ever popular Pok'emon franchise. And he was just on the verge of capturing the ever elusive Slowpoke, the bastard!

"Uhh…the Al Queda training facility you told us to bomb."

"Oh, right! Good job!" He congratulated. He then returned to his game. But hen a question probably more important than any concerning Al Queda came to mind, "How does Pikachu evolve? Get U.S intelligence on that immediately!"

"I would sir, but they've just stumbled on to something."

"What is it now?'

"It seems that Al Queda operatives had bombed a U.S medical facility."

"What? In what country?"

"O-Ours sir…" The President's chief advisor was dumfounded to say the least, but quickly regained his composure, "It seems it happened around the time we bombed their facility…please don't tell me…"

"Tell you what?"

"Sir…where was this 'Al Queda training facility'?"

"In the Middle-East, duh."

"Did you take a look at that report before you ordered this facility to be bombed."

"Yeah…"

"Could you look at it again?"

"Sure. I don't see why though," The president shuffled through mountains of papers on his desk which he never intended to look through, "Ah here it is! Well silly me! Here it says 'in Memphis' and that's where I told'em to bomb, Egypt. No worries!"

"Sir, it says here that the bombing happened in Memphis, Tennessee."

"I don't see what you're getting at."

"WE BOMBED A HOSPITAL BY MISTAKE!"

"In what country?"

"Gaaahhh! That's it, I quit! Fuck this!" The chief advisor then ripped his clothes off, yelled "FREEDOM!" and jumped from the oval office window. "I'm okay…" A secret service agent then shoots him dead. "Uhhg."

"Well now what should I do?" asked the president, "Do you have anything to say, Woody Allen?"

"Oh no not me, gosh." said Woody Allen. "I wouldn't have any idea."

A secret service agent then put a gun to his back and growled.

"BUT since you asked so nicely…why don't you just put the blame on Al Queda?"

"That's perfect!" said the president. "Get started on my speech!"

"Yes sir!" said Woody Allen.

"And while we're at it," said the beleaguered man, "Lets raise the terror alert level!"

"But sir, it's already at red." said the secret service man.

"Nonsense we'll just make up a new color! Oh, Director of Homeland Security?"

"What?" answered the Director of Homeland Security waking up grumpy from his nap in the Lay-z-boy recliner.

"Could you create another color for the terror alert level?"

The Director of Homeland Security growled.

"Please?"

"Tch…fine." He grumbled as he pulled out a packet of post-it-notes, "Man, you guys make me do _everything_!" colored one a rich magenta with a crayon, stuck it to the terror alert meter (just above red), and turned the dial over to it. He then went back to his chair, "Man, let me rest for a while, sheesh. You make me do _everything_." With that he went back to sleep.

"Oh, Woody," screamed one of the president's daughters, "You've saved my father's reputation! How can we ever repay you?"

"We'll…" Said Allen taking out his camera, "can you arch you're back sorta…"

"Allen!" yelled the president, "I told you to write a speech!"

"Yes sir."

"And no Nietzsche references!"

"Sheesh…why did I get myself mixed up with this stuff? Politics…" He put a piece of paper into the typewriter and began to type.

"My fellow Americans:

"Al Queda is the disease but we are the cure. Through the power of will we will ascend…"

"I said no Nietzsche references!"

"Sheesh…"

End of Chapter!

Sorry it took so long. I've been busy. In the next chapter, Sioris fights to get the keyblade he was supposed to receive. But Tidus' power of stupidity may be more than he can handle. It's a crossover chapter of epic proportions when Kingdom Hearts meets Final Fantasy X!


	6. Chapter 6:Xtreame Crossover

**Kingdom Hearts: The Heart of All Parodies**

**Chapter 6: Xtreame Crossover**

**Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction hereby acknowledges that he does **

**not own any of the following properties: Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts. The **

**author of this fanfiction would further like to acknowledge that these properties are **

**trademark of Square-Enix and Disney respectively. **

**Also does anyone else think that Final Fantasy is the most misleading name for a **

**franchise, like, ever? It never freaking ends! If it's not a sequel it's a spin-off! **

**We're up to like what now? Twelve? It's total fucking bullshit!**

**--(We apologize for the fault in the disclaimer. Those responsible have been canned.)**

**Final Fantasy is a scam, wake up people!**

**--(We apologize again for the fault in the disclaimer. Those responsible for canning those who are responsible have also been canned.)**

Sioris and the violet robe clad "Faith Child" suddenly materialized amidst chaos. Commotion, panic in the streets, mass chaos; and that's just due to U2 holding illegal rooftop concert number 1,968. And just as Sioris looked over at his surroundings, he beheld the most gruesomely horrifying beast known to man: Barbra Streisand! And she was singing! (Eeek!) And then the most horrifying sight of all just above him: Willard Scott in a leotard, skydiving! (OMFGWTFBBQ!) (A/N: All this stalling is just killing you isn't it? Especially since you know the beast that I'm _really_ going to speak of…)

"It's Godzilla! Everybody run!"(A/N: Oh, you just hate me right now don't you?) screamed a man running for his life. Just then another man, also running for his life, stopped him and said:

"Actually, it is impossible that the monster currently rampaging through our fair city of Zanarkand is, in fact, Godzilla; for Godzilla was not mentioned in the disclaimer and therefore his existence in this fanfiction can be limited only to a simple mention of his name or reference. Furthermore, only characters from the properties mentioned in the Disclaimer above may exist within the continuity of this fanfiction (unless otherwise specified in a future disclaimer). 'Cause let's face it, the author of this fanfiction isn't _that _stupid. (A/N: Hey!) But I think we should run for our lives anyway." Both men then commence with the running and the panicking and the screaming like schoolgirls who had just seen a bug.

"Well, we must be in the right place," said Sioris looking around in amazement at the massacre Sin was causing.

"Yeah…" the faith child agreed, "unless we're in the wrong place."(Editor's Note: We didn't give you pricks an advance just so you could hand in some half assed bullshit. Remember: We can stop payment!)

"We must make haste," said the Faith Child, "We must find him before it is too late."

"Yeah, let's show that whinny ass, short-shorts wearing, faggot hole!" said Sioris showing off his "interesting" vocabulary.

"Look out!" called the Faith Child.

"Wha-Oh my god!"

Suddenly, thousands of sinscales were shot off of the large, squid-like sinspawn. They landed on the road, surrounding Sioris and the Faith Child, and coming out of their shells they appeared bug-like and their numbers were incomprehensible.

"Ewe no amount of ointment will get rid of those crabs," Sioris commented.

"That's just…sickening…," Said the faith child.

The Sinscales closed in, their deadly fangs barred.

"Oh shit!" said Sioris backing away from the pack of Sinscales only to realize that they we're surrounded. Sinscales were coming at them from all sides!

"H-hey, don't you have some kind of power to produce some kind of mystic weapon?" Sioris asked the Faith Child.

"No," answered the boy, "Who do you think I am?"

"Uhhh, I don't know, Bahamut, King of Dragons maybe?"

"Oh, yeah, that's right….heh-heh."

The faith child removed his hood.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

The boy's eyes turned red and glowing. His fingernails grew; his hands became more like claws! His skin turned black and resembled scales more so than skin. His teeth then formed fangs, his face growing outward, his mouth and nose were no longer separate. Then suddenly, the boy began to grow!

The boy, now resembling more of a beast than a boy, became bulky and continued growing as wings sprouted out of his back. The fancy symbol on the back of his robe bursted outwards as his clothes ripped apart and became a floating metal ring just above his back. He grew to an enormous size as he completed his transformation. He was now Bahamut, King of Dragons.

"Holy fuck!"

"ROOOOOOAAAARRR!"

Bahumut roared. Parting his enormous wings, he flew to the sky to deliver his decisive blow. Or he would have it weren't for his sore throat.

"Rrr…Damn…all that roaring sure takes its toll in your throat…Rrr…," said The King of Dragons, "I need a lozenge…rrrr…" Then he flew off in search of a convenient store.

"What…the…fuck…" obviously Sioris was bewildered.

The Sinscales are still closing in remember?

"Holy fuck!" said Sioris.

"Raaaarrg!"

"Banzai!" sounded a voice from out of nowhere. Suddenly, Tidus rushes through the horde of Sinscales and cuts through a few of them with the Keyblade.

"Hey, that's my Keyblade!" said Sioris "Give it back!"

"I don't see you're name on it," said Tidus as he smirked.

"Listen you jocked up pretty boy, I don't have time for this stuff and neither do you! Now I don't want you bothering my game's storyline continuity and I know you…"

Tidus just stood there cleaning out his ears. "Blablablablablablablbalaba" is all he heard.

"Hey, are you listening?"

"Huh? Say what?"

"God…damn it…"

"Huh, say what?"

"Give me my Keyblade!"

"Huh? Say what?"

Hello? Sorry to interrupt your deep conversation, but might I remind you…you're still being attacked!

"Relax, mister narrator. I'm a pro at this," said Tidus smugly.

"Rawr!"

"Eeeek!" Tidus squealed and ran behind Sioris.

"Idiot…"

**Meanwhile…**

Bahamut circled the skies, desperate to find a store owner stupid enough to be open during the apocalypse.

"All goods 75 off! Only store open during the apocalypse!" Bahamut heard a store owner call out to whoever wasn't dead/ hiding/ fighting.

Bahumut immediately rushed in the store. "Rrrr…lozenge…need…rrr…lozenge…" Said Bahamut, "Do you take…rrr…checks?"

"No, I'm sorry we don't accept checks," said the store owner.

"Whhaaaaaat?" Bahamut was outraged, "What do you mean you don't take checks!"

"Sir, I don't like your tone. If you don't lower your voice I'll have to ask you to leave."

"Rrr…damn. We'll do you take credit cards?" asked Bahamut.

**Back to our hero…**

The Sinscales closed in further, forming a tight circle around our hero.

"I'm here too, you know!"

Oh, and Tidus.

"Thank you."

Well, anyway, it seemed there was no hope, and honestly, there wasn't.

"We're fucked," Sioris commented on the grave situation.

Just then, all the Sinscales turned around and left.

"WTF?"

**Back to the convenient store…**

"Yes, we do take credit cards." Said the store clerk.

"Well, here." Bahamut was about to hand the clerk his card when suddenly Auron of all people stopped him.

"Noooo!" commanded Auron.

Suddenly, all the Sinscales that were just recently attacking Sioris and Tidus swarmed into the store and began breaking things.

"Wait!" said Auron, "Don't you know that if you use a credit card, you get a surcharge on your bill?"

More swarming and breaking.

"Not to mention all of the junk mail you'll be getting in months to come, where do you think they get you're information?"

The Sinscales continue swarming and breaking stuff.

"RRrr…Relax," said Bahamut, "I've got a Capital One No Hassle Card."

All of the Sinscales instantly stop, turn around, and leave.

Sioris and Tidus arrive, having been following the Sinscales, just in time to see them all leave and see the squid-like Sinspawn slam down on top of the store clerk, who was just trying to make a few quick bucks before the world ends.

"What's in your wallet?" said the Sinspawn.

"WTF?" said Sioris.

"Raaaawwwrrr!"

"Quick, Tidus, give me my Keyblade!" Sioris commanded.

"No way, this is **_my_** wackstick!" answered Tidus, "I know nothing of you Keyblade!"

"We've got no choice, looks like we're going to have to fight," said Auron, drawing his Katana.

"RrrrBring it on! RAAAAWWWRR!"

"Feel mah powerz! Taste the blade of mah wackstick!" Tidus hit the Sinspawn with the Keyblade-

"Wackstick!"

Shut up, Tidus. Now as I was saying, Tidus hit the Sinspawn with the Key-

"Wackstick!"

Keyblade!

"Wackstick!"

KEEEEEYYYYBLLLLAAAADEEE!

"WAAAAAACKSSSTIIIIICK!"

That's it! Tidus is inexplicably hit with a random and inexplicable lightning bolt and is knocked out inexplicably.

Sioris walks over to Tidus' smoldering, unconscious body and takes the keyblade he was supposed to get.

"It really sucks that we had to use an entire chapter to get back on track."

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

"You're a little late, mister disembodied voice," said Sioris.

_Sorry…_

"It's okay."

"Hello! I'm still here!" said the Sinspawn, drawing attention to himself.

"Oh blow off!" Auron insulted.

"Sinspawn just want to be loved…"

The Sinspawn died of loneliness.

"We'll, now that that's over…" said Sioris, making his Keyblade go away; ready to be summoned again when needed.

Auron grabbed Tidus by the collar and hit him in the gut.

"Wake up, fag!"

"Gaah! Oww…that hurt," Tidus whined, "Hey, where's my wackstick.

Auron punched Tidus in the mouth. "Shut up you sorry sack of shit! And come on!"

"Where are we going?"

"Don't ask questions. Now get moving, you preppy ass pretty boy!"

Auron and Tidus arrived at the "Sin portal" that was to take Tidus to Spira.

"This…is Sin." Auron explained.

"It looks like a giant vagina," said Tidus.

"You're sick…"

"Heh, I've never had pussy that big."

"I bet you've never had it, period," said Auron.

"Hey! I have too!"

"Animals don't count."

"What the- I oughtta…"

"Just get in there! This is you're motherfucking story…don't fuck it up!" With that, Auron threw Tidus into the abyss.

"Hey," said Sioris, "can I get a ride through that pussy portal, too?"

"Eh…sure…"

"Thanks!"

"Now its time…this is your story."

"Huh?"

"Sorry, I'm required to say that every time I send someone through a portal to another dimension."

"Oh…okay."

Auron took Sioris by the collar and threw him upwards as he had done Tidus. Sioris saw a bright light as he passed through the abyss. Then, he blacked out.

**In Traverse Town…**

Donald and Goofy, diligently continuing their search for the Key-bearer, arrived at a random stop in hopes that this world—out of thousands—might be the one where they could find the Key.

"Look!" said Goofy pointing to the sky, "A star's goin' out!"

"Goofy, we have to hur-"said falling star falls on Donald, killing him.

"Oh my gwarsh, you killed Donald!" said Goofy. Throwing up his arms, he then yelled:

"You baaaassstaaaarrrrdssss!"

**End of chapter**

Sad? Me neither. But Donald will be back never chapter. Write you're ideas for Donald deaths in your reviews. If I use yours, I will acknowledge you. Play a part in the continuing story.

As for the next chapter: Sioris is finally back on track with the KH storyline. But what will my crazy mind have in store for him next? Donald deaths are just the beginning. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- oh! Please read and review. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!


	7. Chapter 7: Gay Parade Just like NYC

**Kingdom Hearts: The Heart of All Parodies**

Chapter 7: Gay Parade (Just Like NYC!)

**Introduction: **Hi. Well, I understand that the past few chapters have been taking a long time to get out. I've been really busy and nerve racked. And on top of that, I've the worse case of writer's block ever. But I'm back on track and trust me, once the ideas start flowing, they don't stop for a while. So sit back and enjoy Chapter 7 which I promise will be better than the ill-conceived crossover attempt that was chapter 6. But I wanted to think of an original way to translate the events that lead to Sora coming to Traverse Town into a funny, whacked out misadventure. And it came in the form of a short FFX/KH crossover. I won't screw up that bad again, I swear. Please read and review.

(Note: I have nothing against a certain minority that is portrayed in this chapter. Please do not be offended by anything in this fic.)

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own anything!

((ooOO00OOoo))

Sioris awoke in a strange alleyway.

"Eh?" Sioris asked to himself, "W-Where am I?"

Sioris stood up. His new surroundings undoubtedly unfamiliar.

"This is so weird…" Sioris said to himself, "I'm in another world."

Naw shit, Sherlock! What was your first clue?

As Sioris traversed through the town, he noted the strange sights: Cute moogles, some bipedal dog and a talking duck that appeared to be looking for someone, big-eyed people, bright pretty lights, and overall rampant gayness.

"Hey," said Sioris having a revelation, "'traversing'…This place should be called Traverse Town because of all the traversing.

Wow, lucky guess…

**TRAVERSE TOWN**

Weary of walking and trying not to get killed by weird black creatures who had just appeared and started trying to kill him, Sioris stumbles upon a quaint-looking little get together place.

"'Cid's Bar'," Sioris read, "Hmm looks interesting."

With that, Sioris entered.

The décor was…interesting, and so were the patrons. Sioris knew he was in the wrong place.

"Actually, effeminate men aren't so uncommon in RPGs. I don't see what the problem is."

Ah, Sioris, you are so naïve.

"Welcome to my mother fucking bar," said Cid, the bartender, "what's your fuckin' poison?"

"Something strong, bartender," Sioris answered as he sat down.

"Are you even old enough to drink, shit wad?"

"No…"

"Do you have a fake I.D.?"

"Yes," Sioris presented his bogus identification card stating that he is a 22 year old male lumberjack named John Jingle Jangleheimer Schmitt.

"Hey that's my name, too!" said Cid, accepting the I.D.

"Do people always shout? I hate that."

"One hard drink coming right up, Mr. Schmitt."

"You can't go wrong with Samuel Adams, kid," exclaimed a man who looked like he was dressed for a Revolutionary War reenactment, "always a good choice."

"Quit bothering the kid, Adams!" said a pirate looking man on the bar stool on the other side of Sioris, "You know he wants a little captain in him!"

"Excuse me, but WHAT?" asked the outraged Sioris.

"Man, shut the fuck up, Morgan!" commanded Adams, "Gay bars are _my _territory!"

"But gay guys love having a little Captain in them!"

"Is this some kind of innuendo? 'Cause…" Sioris was interrupted by more arguments from Adams.

"That's it, looks like Poly wants a pounding!"

"Bring it on!"

Adams punched Captain Morgan in the face and the shit was on.

And amidst the bar fighting that ensued, a lone alchohol mascot sits crying.

"I feel so left out…" cried Jack Daniels.

Both Sioris and Cid took no mind to the war between the alcohol mascots, which had erupted into an all out sissy slap battle royal between all the patrons. During this time, Sioris was addressed by a man at the bar.

"Hey boy," said the man, "that's a mighty large blunt object ya got there," talking about Sioris' Keyblade, "Come sitn' my lap, boy, and I'll show ya the secrets of good swordsmanship."

"Uhh…no thanks…" Sioris answered. _I need to get out of here_, Sioris thought. But before he could make it out of the door, Sioris heard a loud crash.

A man with brown hair, black clothes, and a scar on his face had slammed another man into a bar stool and was now holding him face down into the floor with his foot.

"I assumed that your grabbing my ass was to help me sit down," the man with the scar while still holding the other man face-down on the floor, "But when your hand found it's way to my inside leg, I got sorta suspicious! Now all I came here for is some information. Have you seen a kid with a large blunt object running around?" The man meant Keyblade, but he couldn't say the name and risk the kid's discovery by one who may wish him harm, so he had to describe it for what it was. But he could have said it in a different way.

The man on the floor only mumbled.

"Um, I don't think he can breathe," Sioris said to the man with the scar.

"Oh…" the man with the scar released his hold on the blue haired man who dressed in women's clothes and even wore lipstick and feathers in his hair.

The drag queen got up. You have to admit, he did have quite a feminine figure.

"Well then," said the cross dresser in a belligerent 'noble woman's' tone, "I haven't seen anyone with that description around here. But whether or not there's one around here who does remains to be seen." The drag queen gave the man with the scar a look I'd rather not describe…

"Maybe I should rephrase my question!" the man with the scar put his fist in the drag-queen's face.

"No need," said the cross dresser, moving the man's fist out of his face, "I'm leaving. C'mon Seymour, honey."

Another blue haired man, even more oddly dressed than the cross dresser, walked over to the bar.

"Yes, Kuja?" asked Seymour, "—woah, what a looker you've found here!" Seymour waved girlishly at the man with the scar.

"Back off, he's straight," said Kuja.

"Aww…"

"Oh well, there's loss," said Kuja, "Let's go, honey."

"Yes sir."

"Hm?"

"Uh…yes ma'am…"

And they both left.

"Weird..." Sioris observed.

"Really…" the man with the scar concurred, "That's what I get for coming to a gay bar for information," the man rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Then he turned to Sioris and asked:

"Hey kid, what're you doing in a gay bar? Don't tell me you're somebody's pet."

"Hell no!" said Sioris, "I came in here for info, too."

"Info about what?"

"My friends. I don't know where they are."

"Why didn't you go to the police?"

"They were all killed by these black monster dudes."

"Huh?" _Heartless… _thought the man.

"What is it?"

"N-Nothing," _What attracted them to this world?_ "Umm, I don't know anything about any missing persons, but you could ask Cid, the bartender. Contrary to popular belief, he's not gay. By the way, the name's Leon."

"Thanks Leon, I'll do that."

Sioris walked over to the bar again. There were two men sitting on the bar stools talking to each other. Cid was listening to them and looking really annoyed.

"I mean, I know she's my cousin, but she's so sexy!" said the man with a mowhawk and plenty of tattoos. He looked like he belonged at a gay bar though he appeared to be straight, "Is there anything wrong with that?"

"No, not at all," said the nerdy looking man, "All the more reason to go for it, I say."

"Otacon, you're the only one who understands me," said the mowhawked man.

"I know, Brother. We're the same."

"We're…like twins." They were obviously drunk.

"I love you," said Otacon, "But not like that…like a brother, Brother."

"I love you too…like a brother…" (A/N: Whish he'd love his cousin like a cousin, know what I mean?)

"Hey!" Cid interrupted the men, "This is the fucking gay bar! The goddamn incest bar is down the street!"

Brother and Otacon shrugged and walked out the door.

"So kid, what's botherin' ya?" asked Cid.

"Well Cid, I can't find my friends," said Sioris.

"What do they look like?"

"Well, one's a pasty faced guy with white hair and the other is an extremely slutty brunette," Sioris knew Jenna would kill Sioris for that 'slut' comment, but he had to describe her as she was if he had any hope of finding her. Melvin couldn't hurt Sioris even if he tried.

"Eh? Well, don't know about the first one, but there are plenty of slutty girls around here, so-"

Just then, a black haired ninja girl in a skimpy outfit and her hair in a bob cut and a head band had walked into the bar.

"Speak of the fuckin' devil."

"Oh Squall," the girl called. She had a real annoying voice, "Didja find him yet?"

Leon walked over to the girl. "Yuffie? Damn it! First of all, no. And second of all, it's _Leon. _Get it right, you two dollar whore!"

Yuffie's eyes begain tearing up. It looked as if she was about to cry.

"Yuffie, I didn't mean…"

"Shiruken'd!" Yuffie suddenly threw her Shiruken at Leon and hit him right above his scar.

"AHHHHH!" Leon screamed in pain as he covered his face, "Oh my god, what was that for? I think it might leave another scar!"

"Tee-hee!" Yuffie turned to Sioris. "Hey, isn't that the Keyblade?"

"I can't tell! I have a freaking shiruken lodged in my brain!" Leon pulled the shiruken out of his skull. "Hey, you're right. Stop right there, kid. Hand over that Keyblade!"

"Say what?" Sioris drew his Keyblade, "There's no way you're getting this!"

"Very well…"

Outside, all was quiet. That was, until Sioris' unconscious body came flying out through the door of Cid's Bar and landed just on the steps in front of it.

"Do you have a little captain in you?" Captain Morgan said suddenly to Yuffie.

"Uh...no."

"Want one?"

"Aren't you supposed to be gay?"

"I'm just acting that way so I can get gay guys to have a little captain in them!"

"That still didn't sound right."

"I'm just lonely."

"Don't talk to me."

"Aww…"

Leon walked outside, brandishing his gunblade.

"I think you overdid it, Squall," said Yuffie.

"It's _Leon! _And yes, I may have gone a little too hard on him. But what would you have me do? It appears that the situation is even worse than we thought…a lot worse," Leon said as he went to pick Sioris up and carry him to wherever they were going.

Just then, Sioris jumped up like a rocket and slashed Leon in the face. "HEIIIIIIYYYYAAAAA!"

"AHHHHH, three scars!"

**End of Chapter: **Thanks to all who have read and reviewed so far. Even through the slew of bad chapters. Thanks and keep reviewing, even if you didn't like the chapter and have some constructive criticism.


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